My biggest fear in life is water.
Well, not water in general, but deep water. Water so deep that I could die in it. I don’t know how to swim so that is a big reason why I fear the water so much. I get mini anxiety attacks at the thought or sight of being underwater. I guess deep down inside I am afraid of drowning. If you want to dig deeper than that, you can say I am afraid of death. Who isn’t?
My cousin’s wedding was pretty amazing. On January 9, 2010, at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, I had the honor of being one of the bridesmaids. My cousin got her college degree in Marine Biology and was, or is, in love with the ocean. Naturally, their wedding vows took place in front of the Sea Kelp Forest, which is a huge aquarium. Yes, an aquarium. Filled with water and fish and things. Talk about loving someone so much that you are willing to face your fears. Yikes.
The rehearsal was not that bad. It went by so quick and I thought to myself that it would be just as quick during the real ceremony. Wrong. After standing for about 10 or 15 minutes, the glass from the aquarium started to breathe. I’m serious. It was breathing. Or maybe I was starting to breathe heavy and my vision got cloudy and it looked like the glass was breathing with me. I could see the glass exhaling and inhaling, like a person’s chest. My hands started to sweat. My knees got weak. I made myself look away from the aquarium and I saw my other cousin, who was one of the groomsmen, standing across me. He could tell that something was wrong with me because he looked concerned and had that, “What’s the matter?” look on his face. I just shook my head and exhaled deeply.
I looked into the crowd and saw a pair of hands waving at me. I focused harder and saw that it was my cousin’s soon-to-be hubby’s parents, waving at me to come sit down. How could I possibly go sit down? Like right now? In the middle of the ceremony? Seriously? I took a few more breaths and finally gave in. I slowly walked towards them and sat down. I closed my eyes and started to breath slower. I heard someone whisper something in my ear and I opened my eyes. I could see the entire aquarium. The glass wasn’t breathing anymore. Everything was okay. We weren’t all going to die after all.
I remember the first time I drowned. It was absolutely beautiful.
I’m not trying to be dark or glorify death anything. I didn’t literally drown, like in water. I drowned in the golden brown honey of Omar’s eyes. His eyes are so amazingly beautiful to me. I don’t remember the conversation but I remember that he was talking about something very intensely. At first, I did my usual thing and watched his mouth as he talked. Then after a few seconds, I would glance at his eyes and look down at the table or at something behind him that was around his face so it looked like I was looking right at him. I can’t handle too much eye contact so I avoid it whenever i can. But suddenly I found myself looking into his eyes and for some reason I could not look away. He was gorgeous. He is gorgeous. I was suddenly aware that I needed to look away but I couldn’t. I was officially drowning. Drowning in 2 pools of golden brown honey.
It makes me laugh right now because all I could hear him saying was, “blah blah blah, blahblah blah blah.” I could hear my own voice in my head saying, “Oh my god, he is gorgeous. Look away! Stop staring!” I knew what was happening but I couldn’t stop staring at him. I kept shaking my head every now and then to let him know that I understood what he was talking about but in reality it was all still “blah blah blah.” I literally drowned in his eyes.
There is something powerful or magical about Omar’s eyes. I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I am in love with him, but sometimes it really surprises me how just the mere thought of his eyes can calm me down. Whenever I get upset or sad about something, I tend to lose control of my thoughts and feelings. I start off by walking down a race track of self pity and then I pick up speed as I started to form my own answers and rationalizations. I start jogging. Then I start running. Before I know it, I am in an out of control sprint and I can’t stop. Sometimes it feels like I am going so fast that my feet don’t touch the ground.
Anger. Frustration. Confusion. Doubt. Everything just snowballs. Then water. I see ocean waves in my mind. I see waves crashing over me. The ocean water starts to change colors. It goes from blue green to honey. The ocean gets smaller and smaller until it turns into 2 drops of golden brown honey. They turn into Omar’s eyes. I slowly start to snap out of it. My feet return to Earth.
Omar’s eyes are like a remedy for my hardened heart. When I think of his beautiful eyes, my heart softens and I just want to reach out and hold him. I want to touch his face and kiss him. His eyes bring me peace, solace, and compassion. I will never be able to fully describe the effect his eyes have on me. I joke around about it to him, but he will never understand. Sometimes I don’t even understand it.
My favorite color is purple. But I would gladly and willingly drown in golden brown honey. And I am fearless when it happens.
Blah, blah, blah, blah blah…..
janesamari 