Golden Brown Honey

My biggest fear in life is water.

Well, not water in general, but deep water. Water so deep that I could die in it. I don’t know how to swim so that is a big reason why I fear the water so much. I get mini anxiety attacks at the thought or sight of being underwater. I guess deep down inside I am afraid of drowning. If you want to dig deeper than that, you can say I am afraid of death. Who isn’t?

My cousin’s wedding was pretty amazing. On January 9, 2010, at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, I had the honor of being one of the bridesmaids. My cousin got her college degree in Marine Biology and was, or is, in love with the ocean. Naturally, their wedding vows took place in front of the Sea Kelp Forest, which is a huge aquarium. Yes, an aquarium. Filled with water and fish and things. Talk about loving someone so much that you are willing to face your fears. Yikes.

The rehearsal was not that bad. It went by so quick and I thought to myself that it would be just as quick during the real ceremony. Wrong. After standing for about 10 or 15 minutes, the glass from the aquarium started to breathe. I’m serious. It was breathing. Or maybe I was starting to breathe heavy and my vision got cloudy and it looked like the glass was breathing with me. I could see the glass exhaling and inhaling, like a person’s chest. My hands started to sweat. My knees got weak. I made myself look away from the aquarium and I saw my other cousin, who was one of the groomsmen, standing across me. He could tell that something was wrong with me because he looked concerned and had that, “What’s the matter?” look on his face. I just shook my head and exhaled deeply.

I looked into the crowd and saw a pair of hands waving at me. I focused harder and saw that it was my cousin’s soon-to-be hubby’s parents, waving at me to come sit down. How could I possibly go sit down? Like right now? In the middle of the ceremony? Seriously? I took a few more breaths and finally gave in. I slowly walked towards them and sat down. I closed my eyes and started to breath slower. I heard someone whisper something in my ear and I opened my eyes. I could see the entire aquarium. The glass wasn’t breathing anymore. Everything was okay. We weren’t all going to die after all.

I remember the first time I drowned. It was absolutely beautiful.

I’m not trying to be dark or glorify death anything. I didn’t literally drown, like in water. I drowned in the golden brown honey of Omar’s eyes. His eyes are so amazingly beautiful to me. I don’t remember the conversation but I remember that he was talking about something very intensely. At first, I did my usual thing and watched his mouth as he talked. Then after a few seconds, I would glance at his eyes and look down at the table or at something behind him that was around his face so it looked like I was looking right at him. I can’t handle too much eye contact so I avoid it whenever i can. But suddenly I found myself looking into his eyes and for some reason I could not look away. He was gorgeous. He is gorgeous. I was suddenly aware that I needed to look away but I couldn’t. I was officially drowning. Drowning in 2 pools of golden brown honey.

It makes me laugh right now because all I could hear him saying was, “blah blah blah, blahblah blah blah.” I could hear my own voice in my head saying, “Oh my god, he is gorgeous. Look away! Stop staring!” I knew what was happening but I couldn’t stop staring at him. I kept shaking my head every now and then to let him know that I understood what he was talking about but in reality it was all still “blah blah blah.” I literally drowned in his eyes.

There is something powerful or magical about Omar’s eyes. I’m sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I am in love with him, but sometimes it really surprises me how just the mere thought of his eyes can calm me down. Whenever I get upset or sad about something, I tend to lose control of my thoughts and feelings. I start off by walking down a race track of self pity and then I pick up speed as I started to form my own answers and rationalizations. I start jogging. Then I start running. Before I know it, I am in an out of control sprint and I can’t stop. Sometimes it feels like I am going so fast that my feet don’t touch the ground.

Anger. Frustration. Confusion. Doubt. Everything just snowballs. Then water. I see ocean waves in my mind. I see waves crashing over me. The ocean water starts to change colors. It goes from blue green to honey. The ocean gets smaller and smaller until it turns into 2 drops of golden brown honey. They turn into Omar’s eyes. I slowly start to snap out of it. My feet return to Earth.

Omar’s eyes are like a remedy for my hardened heart. When I think of his beautiful eyes, my heart softens and I just want to reach out and hold him. I want to touch his face and kiss him. His eyes bring me peace, solace, and compassion. I will never be able to fully describe the effect his eyes have on me. I joke around about it to him, but he will never understand. Sometimes I don’t even understand it.

My favorite color is purple. But I would gladly and willingly drown in golden brown honey. And I am fearless when it happens.

Blah, blah, blah, blah blah…..

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“I know I will never feel pure joy again” Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg Reflects on Grief as She Mourns Her Husband

An amazing reflection on grief.

NUJOSS

Facebook Chief of Operations Sheryl Sandberg lost her husband, Dave Goldberg, CEO of Survey Monkey, in a gym accident on holiday, a month ago. The 47 year old was found on the floor near a treadmill at a resort in Mexico.

The late Dave was the first person to show Sheryl the internet, and together, they built a life with their two children.

In a Facebook note shared yesterday, the tech exec reflected on love and loss with these profound words. The post has resonated with a lot of the website’s users, generating hundreds of thousands of likes and comments of support.

“Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband—the first thirty days. Judaism calls for a period of intense mourning known as shiva that lasts seven days after a loved one is buried. After shiva, most normal activities can be…

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THE UNMOTIVATED PARTNER

Interesting…

When you are trying to attain certain goals in life, be mindful of the people you choose to partner with.  Whether a relationship, friendship, or business, pay attention to your partner’s passion.  Keep your eyes open to how motivated they are to staying aligned with reaching the desired goals. The worst experience in partnerships is to carry someone who should be walking beside you.  Yes, people hit hard times.  People will fall, and there are times when being a dedicated partner calls for you to carry the weight of two.  But how far, how long, and for what reasons should be taken into consideration.  Some people fall and stay down longer than they should due to lack of motivation.  Some people become comfortable in their position and are unmotivated to move forward towards attaining those goals.  Do not allow your loyalty to your unmotivated partner to bring you down.  A…

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Validating your own truth

Things that make me go hmmmmm…

One of the hardest things to do, for some of us, is admitting to ourselves that we have made a wrong emotional investment. Even when there are neon signs, blinking away right in front of our eyes to point out the fact, we still find it difficult to call it a wrap, cut our losses and quit while we’re ahead.

Maybe we can’t bear the thought of losing out on “everything” after all the effort and sacrifice we’ve put into the relationship. Maybe we believe if we just hold it together for a few days more, or a few weeks more, or a few months more, or a few years more, the situation will change and improve and we’ll be rewarded with our heart’s desire… We will reap the benefits of our patience and resilience.

So when the narcissist starts on his crippling cycle of value – devalue, attach –…

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Wall #1

I can’t say that I’m trapped. It takes four walls to trap you into a room and even then, there is always a door or a window right? Well, at least right now, I can say that I don’t feel trapped but that wasn’t the case earlier in the week. I hit three walls and it made me feel like a prisoner to my situation and my emotions. I started to feel sorry for myself and when I allow myself to start going down that path, sometimes it is really difficult to pull myself out of it. I’m still in the process of getting back on the right path of reason and forgiveness but I think the hard part is over. I hope that blogging this will help shoot me farther into the process and bring me closer to the finish line.

I hit the first wall at work. I have the unfortunate pleasure of working with a toxic person. It has been two years that I have been in that office and I have experienced all her drama and negativity and I have shared my ups and downs with her as well. It’s only natural that you form a bond with the people you work with; you are with them for a majority of your day other than your family and friends. So for the last couple of years, I have tried to help her be more positive and I have tried to help her workload whenever I can. But after our end of the year event, I have had enough. Everything that people had warned me about her seemed all true at that event. And I decided that would be the last time she treated me like that.

One of our employees is retiring soon. This employee has not been a constant favorite of Miss Toxic and I have witnessed their constant work battles. I have been part of many “secret” conversations about how Miss Toxic cannot stand this employee. Yet, at the event, whose side did she stick by and not want to leave? Yup, you got it. Now let me back up a little and mention that Miss Toxic has been trying to leave our department because she is unhappy with her list of duties and says, “This isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life.” So she has been putting in transfers and applications to other departments but has not been able to land any of them. Maybe it’s because of the look of irritation that she gives everyone on the phone or in person when they ask her for help? Maybe it’s because of how she cusses under her breathe when she feels she is going above and beyond for a task that only takes a few seconds or minutes to complete? Maybe it’s because of how she judges people on how they should do their jobs and what they should or should be doing at that very moment in time? I don’t know; you tell me. Oh, and let me add that her husband is “on vacation” and just recently, so is her boyfriend. Hmmmmmm…

Last year, Miss Toxic and I handled the event together. I did the planning and executing along with our boss and she wrapped the raffle gifts and helped me do the actual raffle at the event since our boss did not attend it. So I figured that this year would be the same. Yeah, I thought wrong. First of all, I was able to change the menu up from the usual that they had received for prior years because she complained about the food. “It’s always this and I want that.” So I made the suggestion to my boss and obtained a quote for the menu change. I’m pretty sure that it was also partly due to the employee retiring, but the menu change was approved. You would think that she would have appreciated that. Secondly, she freely expressed her lack of enthusiasm to help wrap the gifts or even get more gifts. And when it came time to take everything to the event, she didn’t even want to take anything. But I asked her if she would at least take the gifts and after muttering under her breath and making a face, she grabbed the gifts and left.

We had a full house at the event, about 60 coworkers showed up. I had the task of making sure that everyone signed in, got a raffle ticket, and received their work year calendars for the new year. I went to every single person seated, including her. It was a bit tiring and I was getting hungry from watching everyone get served their salads. I finally sat down and picked at my salad. I half listened to all the announcements and speeches and clapped when everyone clapped. Everyone enjoyed their steaks and potatoes. Everyone except me. I decided I would not eat yet until everyone else was done; totally my choice. I began to pick at a second salad. When it came time to do the raffle, I tried to hand Miss Toxic the bowl with the tickets and asked her to do the raffle. She turned around and made a face and said flatly, “No, you do it. I don’t want to do it.” I looked at her and explained everything I had already done and she looked at me like I told her pigs were flying. She was just adamant that she was not going to do it. She wanted to sit next to the retiree and just kiss booty and act like Miss Thang. I was fuming. Luckily for me, the retiree took the tickets and got up and did the raffle with our boss. I still couldn’t believe that she was acting that way despite everything I had done for her. I was hurt and angry.

Part of the transfer and application process includes submitting three letters of reference. Guess who wrote Miss Toxic a letter when she asked for one? Yes, me. And when she was fuming about not getting any of the positions she applied for, who do you think talked her into making an appointment to speak directly to the person in charge of Human Resources?  Yes, me. And anytime she needed to vent about the work she hated and the people who annoy her and the retiree who doesn’t know anything, who sat there and listened and tried to be the voice of reason? Yes, me.

I completely lost my appetite after that. I ended up taking my lunch to go. After the event was done, she was one of the first ones to leave. I was the last one, along with the retiree and our boss. We gathered everything that needed to go back to the office and left the restaurant. Although everyone praised the event as a success, I was still bothered by how Miss Toxic treated me.

I drove off and thought to myself, “I need a drink.”

The Goodbye

Goodbye…

I pray that you find the peace that you seek

I pray that you find the love you deserve and desire

I pray that you receive the healing that you strive for

I pray that you find balance in your heart and mind

I pray that you find forgiveness toward me in however I failed you and in yourself for whatever you are battling within

I pray that you find comfort in the truth you seek in God and Jesus

I pray you find happiness in the small blessings and joy in the big ones

I pray that you find the path that you are suppose to be on to take you where your life needs to go

I pray that you believe that I love you enough to let you go

=) jeannie

Letting go of shitty relationships

All I can say is “wow”….

goingwiththeflodotcom

Relationships.. the most incredible yet mind fucking confusing things in the whole world. Sometimes the people you most want a relationship with are the people you’re best off without it’s difficult sometimes to understand when a relationship is bad for you. When it doesn’t necessarily work. When it’s so addictive to be around someone but so toxic at the same time.

Sometimes we build relationships on convenience and naivety.. we fall into them without considering the necessary traits to build a successful bond with one another.. important traits like trust, support and loving encouragement and to be honest we jump into relationships sometimes without even really KNOWING that person. And then these relationships become routine, they become habitual and we routinely keep these people around because well simply.. they’re already around.

It’s easy to develop a connection with someone who’s always there even when they’re not adding any real value to our…

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If I stop loving you

This one really got to me for some reason…

The Fickle Heartbeat

Shared by Diana Georgia

”

When I fell in love with you, I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, and I could not imagine myself with somebody else. I never looked forward to the day I’d be falling out of love with you. I didn’t think it would be possible for me to live a life without you.

I think I was wrong, and you were right all along. It took me a long time to realize it. You used to tell me that you wished we both could live a hundred years together, so we would have more time to be with each other. You wished we were born in the same place at the same time because you thought that you had wasted twenty-two years of your life not being with me. But you also told me that you…

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The Hurt

After I left from the last time, I sat in my car and wondered if I was doing the right thing. I was going to drive off and leave him, for good. This was it. He had finally pushed me over the edge and I fell. I fell and it hurt so bad. I was crushed, drained, and left for dead. I texted him a final goodbye. And then I drove off.

I was crying but managed to drive home blindly. I parked my car and turned it off but I just sat there. I didn’t want to go inside because I didn’t know exactly how I looked and I didn’t want my parents to know that anything was wrong. I texted my daughter to see if she needed a ride home. There was some event at her high school that she and her boyfriend wanted to see. My phone rang and it was her. She asked if we could give her boyfriend a ride home and I said yes. Good. I needed more time to gather my thoughts.

I pulled up to the curb in front of my daughter’s high school auditorium and they both jumped into the car. I tried to keep up with their small talk but all that rang loud in my mind were the last two hours and all I could feel was this heavy, hurt feeling in my chest. It took so much of my strength to keep myself together but a few tears managed to make their way down my cheek. I figured it was too dark in the car for her to notice so I didn’t wipe them away, plus I thought that would look too obvious and give me away. I think I gave short, quick responses to her questions and comments about the event they had just seen. I really didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and fade away.

After we dropped off her boyfriend, we headed home in silence. I didn’t say a word. I had nothing to say. I started thinking about the very last time I actually seen Omar. It was the night before and he had fallen asleep while I was visiting him. I remember just looking at him and not wanting to leave but I knew I had to. I leaned over him and kissed his face. Oh, how I loved kissing that man. I wonder if he ever felt how much I adored him with every kiss. Each kiss held a feeling and message. I missed you. I want you. I adore you. I don’t want to live without you. I love you so very much. Every kiss…

When we finally got home, I went straight to my room. I changed into my pajamas, turned on the TV, and sat in my bed. Every where I looked, I saw him. The flower he gave me for Valentine’s Day was to my left. The empty package of cough drops was on my dresser. The dying flowers for my birthday were on the right. And every where else I looked was a vision of his face, his eyes. Oh, his eyes. I could even drown in his eyes by just thinking of them. I knew I still loved him, but right then and there, I was so hurt. I cried my pain out. I took a deep breath and let myself cry as hard as I could without being louder than my TV. With every exhale, I tried to push out the heavy, hurt feeling in my chest. I have no words to express how hurt I was. I was so hurt that I prayed to not love him anymore. I prayed for the strength to let him go. I prayed for me to get over him fast. I prayed to not worry about him and to not care about him. It hurt to love him.

Then I heard a familiar sound. It was my phone. I hesitated. It was a text message notification. For a pathetic moment, I thought it might be him, responding to my goodbye. But then I remembered how heartless he was and told myself that it wasn’t him at all. I grabbed my phone and read the message. I was right; it wasn’t him.

Are you okay, mom? It was my daughter.

No baba, I am so heartbroken </3. I cried more.

What happened? I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was cry.

I left Omar. I had to. I think my heart broke again as I sent the message.

Did he do something to you?

Just broke my heart and crushed my feelings. Then silence.

I don’t know how long I sat there crying. I kept telling myself that everyone says that you’ll feel better when you cry it out. But I still felt as hurt as I did when I sitting on the floor in front of his bedroom door. The hurt wasn’t going away and I wasn’t feeling any better. Please God, help me. Let me let him go. Don’t let me look back. Please. How many times can a person die in one night? I swear, it felt like my heart was made of mercury. Every time it shattered, it would come back together, and then break all over again. I kept waiting for it to be over. I wanted to hurry up and feel better already. But I couldn’t stop crying.

Then my door opened. It caught me by surprise because I thought I had locked my door. My daughter came in. I stared at the TV. She put her things on the corner of my bed and then climbed over to sit next to me. Then she leaned over and held me. She held me and whispered that everything was going to be alright. I held her and I couldn’t stop crying. I nodded my head to let her know that I heard her. And then she cried with me. She just held me and cried with me. She had done it once before and I swore that it wouldn’t happen again, yet here we were. Now my heart was breaking for her, for her seeing me this way. I took a deep breath and let her go. I told her I was going to be okay by the morning. I looked at her stuff and saw that she was getting ready to take a shower. I told her to go ahead and take a shower and that I would be alright. She let me go and looked at me. She wiped away a tear and then I started wiping my whole face. I reassured her again that I would be okay and told her to go shower. She slowly got up and gathered her things and left my room.

I cried most of that night. I felt lost and unsure and scared. And somewhere in the mix of all my emotions, I actually missed him. I was angry at myself for missing him. Why would you miss someone who just hurt you? I cried and told myself that someday I wouldn’t miss him anymore. Someday, I will stop thinking about him. Someday, I will stop caring about him. Someday, I will wonder why I loved him so much.

Someday.